on one year in...

my little baby is a year and i'm feeling ALL the feelings! 

there was a long period of time that i really thought i'd never have any babies or be a mommy because i thought i would never get married. sometimes it's still so crazy for me to think about the fact that i'm married and a mom! 

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the last few months of my pregnancy were great, but also full of worrying about childbirth, being a mom, taking care of a baby, childbirth, raising a daughter to be smart and happy and confident and kind, nursing, my baby getting sick, and childbirth. matt would find me in the bathtub {more often that i want to admit ha!} crying because i was scared and nervous and excited and it was all pretty much the unknown. i've never been a mom! how will i know what to do? what if i'm horrible at it? {i don't always adapt to change the best}what if she just screams all the time and i'm going crazy and at my wit's end?!

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but she got here and while we still didn't always know what to do, becoming a mother has been one of the easiest, best, most amazing things i've ever done. 

i probably have to attribute a lot of that to the fact the audrey was seriously an angel baby. she's always been so sweet and good natured, not to mention she's always been a rock-star sleeper! 

we've definitely had many moments of tears, exasperation, and frustration during our short year of parenthood, but those are quickly forgotten when i think of all the sweet moments we've had.
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i was saying to matt just the other day that how i love and miss audrey is so different than any other person. i'm always so excited to see her at the end of every day, and i just miss her so much when i'm at work. even at night when i lay her down, i so often just want to go in and hold her and snuggle her. it's a love and connection that i don't think i could have ever understood without having a child, and it's because she is literally a part of me. i feel so lucky and blessed that i was able to get pregnant and have a healthy pregnancy and such a healthy baby. i know not everyone has that, or gets it as easily as matt and i did.
i loved being pregnant and feeling her grow and move around, but having the doctors hand her over to me was one of the greatest moments of my life. here she was! perfect and new and beautiful. {and oh my gosh, i survived childbirth!}
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 {one month old! first family photos}

 {blessing day}

 {celebrating the 4th of July!}

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my sweet audrey, i love you so much i can't put it into words. you've given my life so much purpose and made me the happiest mommy in the world. thanks for choosing us to be your parents, thanks for your calm demeanor {thanks to dad for that too: she definitely didn't get it from me!}, thanks for being a dream baby and easing us into parenthood as easily as you did, thanks for being a momma's girl because it makes my heart so happy, and thank you for your snuggles and giggles and squeals and chubby kissable cheeks! i can't wait to see you learn and grow more and all the fun we get to keep having together! i love you little!

on mother's day...

it's the eve of my very first official mother's day and i'm having all of the feelings.

i'm being completely honest when i say there was a long chunk of time i really believed i would never get married, and therefore never have any kids. not that i didn't want to of course, but for a girl that didn't date a ton it was hard to believe it would ever happen for me. 

but here i am! almost 3 years into marriage and 5 months {on the dot} into motherhood. 

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being a mom is everything and nothing that i expected it to be. it's beautiful, exhausting, joyful, stressful, happy, busy, sacrificing, easy, hard, fun, frustrating, scary, the best thing ever, and everything else in between. i look at myself and i'm the same ol' me. i'm allison. then i realize...i've carried a human life and given birth; i'm "mom". it seems kind of crazy. 

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for 9 months she was me. 

i felt her grow, felt her kicks, her flips, even her hiccups. 

now she's outside of me and i feel as though a part of me is not there when i'm not with her. it's all the cliche mommy things i heard over the years and thought, surely they're just being mushy and dramatic about it. but i feel it now.

when she's happy, i'm happy. when she's sad, i'm sad. i look at her and feel a love that i've never felt before in my life, and i know nothing that could or might ever happen could do anything to tarnish that feeling. when i'm away from her i miss her in a way i've never missed anything or anyone before. i love the quiet moments when nursing her and i look at her and feel amazement that she's mine; that i made her. then she grabs my fingers and i think, of course she is mine. i've known her all this time, i was just waiting for her to get here.

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with becoming a mommy i've found a whole new love for most of the people in my life. 

first and foremost, my husband. matt is the most patient, loving, and giving person i could ask for as a partner. my love for him has grown in a whole new way seeing him as a daddy, and seeing how quick and happy he is to serve us. where i am weak, he is strong. this has been only more evident with becoming parents. he matches me in all the best ways. 

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second is my own mother. i understand a mother's love for their child now that i have my own. it was especially evident to me during labor and delivery. women go through a lot to bring a baby into the world, and a lot of it isn't pretty or easy. 

our bodies grow and change and we're sick and in pain...but then that baby is here and you forget all those things. you forget not being able to sleep, or get comfortable, or what it was like to go more than 2 hours without peeing, not being able to tie your shoes, or having heartburn all the time. it's ok that your tummy isn't what it once was, even when it wasn't great to begin with, because you have this beautiful little person to love, and they love you. 

i'm understanding all the feelings my mother has had. i have a new perspective when it comes to how i treat my mother. i can imagine how i would feel if my child were to treat me a certain way, and i realize i need to be a lot more generous and kind to this wonderful women i call mom. i'm so grateful for my mother, all of her sacrifices for me, and her amazing example of patience and love. 

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third would be my mother in law. though i've only known her for just over 3 years now, i'm amazed at how much i lucked out to have such a wonderful mother in law. she's a pretty amazing mother, and has raised some really amazing kids. i can see what kind of mother she is in the way her children treat her and how my husband treats me. i'm so grateful for her love and her example as well. 

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last, would be the love i have for all the other women in my life, whether mothers yet or not. 

i have some truly amazing women in my life. i'm lucky enough to have a lot of sisters! all of which are wonderful mothers. i was the last to get married and have children so i've been able to spend time with all of them and their kids and see their example and the love they have for each other. 

i also have a lot of amazing friends. and i mean really amazing. they have wonderful talents and personalities, they're kind, generous, funny, patient, faithful, and all so beautiful. i look up to them and their examples, i see their gifts and strengths and hope to be like them, and pray that i can teach this little to have those wonderful qualities as well. 

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so to wrap up what has turned into a very long post about all the motherhood related feelings i feel, i'd just say happy mother's day to all the mothers, want to be mothers, soon to be mothers, potential mothers etc. i feel lucky to have you in my life. 

on my body...

so i'm a bailey, right? being a bailey means i've never been petite...to say the least. i've always been curvy and i like my curves. i knew pregnancy would change my body more and i knew that after being pregnant my body would still be different. 

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i have to say that for the most part i really loved being pregnant. there was the 6 week stint of nausea, that even so wasn't too horrible, and then the end of the third trimester i was feeling crazy huge and uncomfortable, but other than that it was great. 

i loved how i looked when i was pregnant. it was fun to see my growing belly and imagine this little lady growing inside me. i was lucky and gained no more than 20 lbs by the end, and have lost it all since delivering. i didn't end up getting any stretch marks and didn't get all puffy and swollen or retain any water. i loved how i looked and felt beautiful while i was pregnant. 

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our little lady is here now, and i'm back to what i was before getting pregnant. in ways i feel incredibly weak and out of shape, but in others i feel stronger than ever. 

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there's the weak feeling. the fact that an semblance of core muscles i had before getting pregnant seem to be completely gone. i haven't run in 9 months, something i did multiple times a week pre-pregnancy. i can feel that my legs are weaker than they used to be as well. 

i'm slightly terrified to run again for the first time. or go climbing again for the first time. or do core exercises again for the first time. ha. 

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then i think about the 9 months that my body was growing audrey. i didn't have to think about it. i didn't have to say ok, now let's grow a spleen. it just knew how to do it. and it did it perfectly! and then i went through labor. 11 hours of contractions and pushing and then delivering. 

now i have this perfect little girl with 10 fingers and 10 toes, chubby cheeks, fuzzy hair, and big eyes like her momma. i look at her and think, wow...my body DID that. 

i see her grow now and i get to think wow, my boobs are incredible! ha. i am completely sustaining her. she's growing and chunking up because of what my body is doing and supplying for her. 

my body feels amazing and stronger and more incredible than ever before.

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so yeah. i don't know what i'm trying to get at with all of this. it's just been on my mind. thinking about my body and what it's been through and done. that even though i feel different than i used to, it was all worth it to have this sweet baby here. 

so here's to starting at what feels like square one. here's to getting back in shape. to eating healthy. and hopefully running like i once did. i know it won't happen over night, but that's ok. {because i have until september when i've signed up for the big cottonwood half marathon!}

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{first time seeing audrey}