on mother's day...

it's the eve of my very first official mother's day and i'm having all of the feelings.

i'm being completely honest when i say there was a long chunk of time i really believed i would never get married, and therefore never have any kids. not that i didn't want to of course, but for a girl that didn't date a ton it was hard to believe it would ever happen for me. 

but here i am! almost 3 years into marriage and 5 months {on the dot} into motherhood. 

.

being a mom is everything and nothing that i expected it to be. it's beautiful, exhausting, joyful, stressful, happy, busy, sacrificing, easy, hard, fun, frustrating, scary, the best thing ever, and everything else in between. i look at myself and i'm the same ol' me. i'm allison. then i realize...i've carried a human life and given birth; i'm "mom". it seems kind of crazy. 

.

.

for 9 months she was me. 

i felt her grow, felt her kicks, her flips, even her hiccups. 

now she's outside of me and i feel as though a part of me is not there when i'm not with her. it's all the cliche mommy things i heard over the years and thought, surely they're just being mushy and dramatic about it. but i feel it now.

when she's happy, i'm happy. when she's sad, i'm sad. i look at her and feel a love that i've never felt before in my life, and i know nothing that could or might ever happen could do anything to tarnish that feeling. when i'm away from her i miss her in a way i've never missed anything or anyone before. i love the quiet moments when nursing her and i look at her and feel amazement that she's mine; that i made her. then she grabs my fingers and i think, of course she is mine. i've known her all this time, i was just waiting for her to get here.

.

.

with becoming a mommy i've found a whole new love for most of the people in my life. 

first and foremost, my husband. matt is the most patient, loving, and giving person i could ask for as a partner. my love for him has grown in a whole new way seeing him as a daddy, and seeing how quick and happy he is to serve us. where i am weak, he is strong. this has been only more evident with becoming parents. he matches me in all the best ways. 

.

second is my own mother. i understand a mother's love for their child now that i have my own. it was especially evident to me during labor and delivery. women go through a lot to bring a baby into the world, and a lot of it isn't pretty or easy. 

our bodies grow and change and we're sick and in pain...but then that baby is here and you forget all those things. you forget not being able to sleep, or get comfortable, or what it was like to go more than 2 hours without peeing, not being able to tie your shoes, or having heartburn all the time. it's ok that your tummy isn't what it once was, even when it wasn't great to begin with, because you have this beautiful little person to love, and they love you. 

i'm understanding all the feelings my mother has had. i have a new perspective when it comes to how i treat my mother. i can imagine how i would feel if my child were to treat me a certain way, and i realize i need to be a lot more generous and kind to this wonderful women i call mom. i'm so grateful for my mother, all of her sacrifices for me, and her amazing example of patience and love. 

.

third would be my mother in law. though i've only known her for just over 3 years now, i'm amazed at how much i lucked out to have such a wonderful mother in law. she's a pretty amazing mother, and has raised some really amazing kids. i can see what kind of mother she is in the way her children treat her and how my husband treats me. i'm so grateful for her love and her example as well. 

.

last, would be the love i have for all the other women in my life, whether mothers yet or not. 

i have some truly amazing women in my life. i'm lucky enough to have a lot of sisters! all of which are wonderful mothers. i was the last to get married and have children so i've been able to spend time with all of them and their kids and see their example and the love they have for each other. 

i also have a lot of amazing friends. and i mean really amazing. they have wonderful talents and personalities, they're kind, generous, funny, patient, faithful, and all so beautiful. i look up to them and their examples, i see their gifts and strengths and hope to be like them, and pray that i can teach this little to have those wonderful qualities as well. 

.

so to wrap up what has turned into a very long post about all the motherhood related feelings i feel, i'd just say happy mother's day to all the mothers, want to be mothers, soon to be mothers, potential mothers etc. i feel lucky to have you in my life.